Letting Go.

the funny thing about mental health / psych nursing class is that we're suppose to recognize these things in our patients, however, the first step is to be aware of one's self. when i found myself reacting to the topics, i realized i had a lot of growing up to do. countertransference. watch out for that one. i was definitely caught off guard.

as a person who grew up with always having a plan: syllabi, itineraries, outlines, backups.. there are a lot of things I cannot control, but I'd like to be prepared. Even with trying to expect the possible outcomes, there's always that curve ball life throws at you. as i struggled to read through the pages of my psych book, i looked within myself and my past interactions. what did i do? why? how? did i miss out on a lot of opportunities? what did i say? did it match with what my face and body were trying to say? some ppl can read me. it definitely affects our relationship with everyone..

i just have to learn to let things go. some things i can never change. dwelling in it will destroy the balance. there's also the art of timing. there's a time and place for everything. come back to it some other time in hopes for a resolution. do things ever end? no not really. it keeps going. the decisions we make now, will affect what happens next. the ripple effect, right? i could be wrong, just a speculation.

i am learning to let go. react when i have to. pick my battles. my mental professor told me that i worry too much.. i shouldn't stress out so much. i took his advice and here i am. my neurologist thanks him. my neurologist told me i should go out, and not limit myself so much. HAHAHA. -=sigh=-

Consider your own life—how many times a day does some situation pop up that leads to moments of frustration and anxiety? Surrendering your head to your heart in those moments will lead you to balance and fulfillment. As you listen to your spirit, peace follows. So follow your spirit. Build your foundation in your heart. Love must be your innermost and spontaneous response towards every person you encounter. Say to yourself inside, "I just love." Use these words as a key to start the engine running in your heart and watch life brighten with new love and understanding. Surrender to your new awareness and let love unfold the purpose of creation to you. - Sara Paddison, Hidden Power of the Heart

loving people is what i do. and that involves a give and take. compromises. listening and surrendering. it's how we grow as humans. eventually we will reach the top of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs: self-actualization. everything will be alright. it does not mean i'm gonna stop caring, it just means i'll learn to back off and let you be. you have your own path, your own life. our paths will cross, and we'll see from there. right now, i'll just enjoy the moment and savor it. who knows what will happen next.. i sure don't; do you?

True love doesn't have a happy ending because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you. - Anonymous

Heads Up.. Finding Preceptors

soo heads up to all NP students, just so you know, since I wasn't aware of this until recently, we have to arrange our preceptors by ourselves. The school doesn't set it up for you like when we were in nursing school/undergrad. We must go search for a NP or physician willing to train us.. hahaha.. they are out there. It's just a matter of finding one that's free, since there are other students asking for them...

start asking your advisors how your program works, and what are the acceptable types of preceptors for your specific program.

for example. I'm allowed to arrange my clinicals in my place of work as long as it's not the floor I currently work in. It's almost like a mini-interview for internships and selling yourself. Start searching early.. i'm allowed to ask NPs and physicians.. I will work my way up to physicians as soon as I am comfortable enough with conducting a thorough H&P and presenting a diagnosis..

start networking, getting ur name out there.. i start my practicum in the fall of 2010, but i started now... and then searching will start all over again in the summer for spring 2011, etc..

check out VA clinics, urgent care centers, etc.. if they don't have a position, ask them if they have another institution that they would recommend.. don't give up..

aight that's it for now.. back to working on my case study, email me for questions.. good luck to everyone ^__^

things to do over the summer before clinical rotations:

BLS recert
ACLS initial
Master Clinical Skills & Physical Diagnoses --> be comfortable with H&P
review medications, labs, etc
STUDY !!!

spend time with my loved ones.. ^___^

anger.

i haven't been this angry for a LONG time. just shows how much hatred i've managed to suppress in order to function.

wow.

i need to regain my composure and focus on my studies.


definitely downsizing....

2nd semester of grad schooL..

so i'm a bit frazzled. taking 3 grad courses was a bit much. but i had to do this so i can have a summer to focus on the one class i'm dreading. CSPD. clinical skills & physical diagnosis. lecture online and labs. while i was searching for information regarding preceptors for the upcoming fall, the list came up of courses that i might need clinicals for this class too. i have to speak to my advisor and clarify this whole clinical rotations thing. i need to find a preceptor who's willing to guide me... i hope. HAHA. i'm nervous.

i also need to renew my BLS by this summer. and hopefully finally take my ACLS. i'm so behind. sigh. this is why 3 grad courses was necessary this semester. LOL. summer 2010 will be nuts. fall 2010 will be even crazier.

as long as i pass with a B, i think i'll take it. this is something that i have to accept. i'll try my best, but as of now, i have other priorities. mental health in primary care is actually coinciding with my beliefs. i was tearing when i heard my professor talk about trust and relationships. not just with clients, but as a good person. we constantly work on it. communication. honesty. love. what keeps a person? what motivates them? what happens when they lose that some "thing" that keeps them going?

i snickered. the days before this very lecture were intense. hahaha. i found my motivation. it was a lot of staring into a wall and self-reflection, but it was a "eureka, i found it!" moment. i realized a lot of things about myself. i was surprised.

to find a balance between life and grad schooL. yup.

there is an ultimate goaL. achieved through perseverance.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4 NIV

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Eccl 4:9-12 NIV

baby steps...

Everything will be ok ...
... If it's alright with you, then it's alright with me ...
Baby let's take this time, let's make new memories.....

yeS. aGReeD.

StiLL in the progrAm!!!

OmG.. thank you!!!

i don't know how or what was going through my brain while i was taking that exam.. all I knew was that i was struggling. thinking at a much higher level and applying everything to a patient. diagnosing a patient when given a certain scenario in a short amount of time. OMG! i cried for 3 days after that exam. only to calm down and attempt to focus on another quiz for research.. =\

Grad school is hard. I'm not going to lie. I've been reading and reading.. I want my life back. I miss seeing people. Friends, family, co-workers. sigh.. sometimes, i wonder if the sacrifice is worth it at times.. blAh.

anyways, back to techy things.. this is the only thing keeping me sane.. since i forgot to save the iWeb file on my old MBP before the crash. my Me.com site will be retiring, and I'd have to start a new one unfortunately. I'll have to reorganize, find a new direction maybe.. in the meantime, i meant to post this a while back, but didn't have the time..

enjoy... if anyone can help me figure out how set up a page where people can download recorded audio lectures using iWeb and Me, that would be fantastic! a turn around would be cool also using a host.. and i can link ppl over there from my current site.. ^__^

thAnks!

New Goal: to Pass

Grad SchooL. my goal is just to pass. that's it...

as far as Patho went. my grade is a B+. It's gonna be an adjustment on how to read those questions. stupid mistakes. GRRrR..

research is gonna be another one. i thought i was doing fairly decent with the postings until the midterm. which i FAiLED miserably with a 72.. my 92 average dropped down to a B-.. RAH i'm barely passing.. o__O.. OMG... still truckin.. gotta keep trying.. i have to make up for it now..

i'm gonna slow it down next semester, pending if i pass this semester. i'm praying, hoping, i don't get kicked out. pharmacology is next. i know it's hard. i NEED to go back to work. i have to apply what i learned. and i am broke =( .. i thought i was gonna be able to do work and go to school at the same time this semester. certainly not the case. GRAD SCHOOL is DEFINITELY wAY different... OMG.. wtf did i do to myself?!

migraines here and there. but not as bad as before. i'm learning to manage stress better i guess? i'm eating differently. chocolate is definitely a trigger =( .. so are raw onions so i have to avoid those in salads.. sigh..

let's hope i improve my grades and i don't get kicked out of the program.. mom's gonna be disappointed, i'll be a total mess if i get kicked out.. and that's a sign that it was never meant to be.. yup..

as for other things, my geekiness came out and i was determined to figure this out.. how to record desktop activity with audio unlike the screen recording capabilities on quicktime X sans audio. thank you fellow youtube users for showing me the way. and here's the end result from last night after my first video lecture for patho.. my brain needed a medical break.. and needed something more techy.. LOL..

so what do you think..

i'll probably end up doing how to videos someday.. cause i'm a dork.. LOL.. yay

now on to part 2 of the video lecture and then to 10 imaginary patients.. rAHhh..

pAniC MoDE?!

Everything that could've gone wrong went wrong!

Just as I was finishing up chapter 19. Word crashed. I was like.. wat the heck?! it froze? you know that spinning beach ball on the mac. I didn't want to do a Force Quit so I let it sit for 10 minutes. Nothing. The last save was about 15 minutes ago, which was 2 slides.. ARGH.. maybe auto recovery would pick it up? I have to continue with my work.. so i force quit..

auto recover picked up where i left off, and i saved a copy of it.. as i'm scrolling down, i see the formatting is frozen. text-wrapping is stuck from the previous page. there is no picture there, but word thinks there is one. i tried copying and pasting the file to a new blank document but it just said that it's unable to save file - not enough memory. wAT?! everything is in read only mode?! wat the heck...

my office databases are also corrupt. they can't be found.. so i begin the process of uninstalling. meaning. deleting pLists and preferences, microsoft user data, etc. ugGh.. in the meantime.. i scramble to go to my iMac and see if the word document can be salvaged. nope. faiL. that fiLe is corrupt. and my MS office on the MBP is messed up when it froze. uGH... i decided to ditch chapter 19 and move on to chapter 20. i didn't know how to recover that file aside from starting all over.. i don't have time.. it's 4pm already!

6pm: i decided to start printing my other notes from chapters 12-18. at the same time, i'm going back and forth between my iMac and my macbook pro with the rolling office chair, one desk to the next, back and forth.. i'm multi-tasking..

730pm: warning on the printer. no black ink. both the 220 and 221. wtf?! i'm like great!! ugH.. hMM still early, i can make it to staples.. lemme just make sure.. if we have paper.. NOPE, none either.. perfect... so i jump into the shower.. 8pm out the door off to staples.. i'm very picky about my paper. 98 bright, 22lb. normally i'd go thicker, but i'm broke. i have no job. the ink is my priority right now. they finally have the Canon 220 combo pack in stock. last one just for me. i took it. $50. instead of $60 for 3 individual ones. got the multi 221 pack also. another $50. got some colored pens too.. they didnt have the ones i normally get, but i'll try these. hopefully, these will last me. they also seem brighter, and livelier. as long as they're the anti-check fraud pens from Uni-Ball. i'm ^__^ i only use the green ink, but they never sell them in bulk so i have to buy the pack of colors.. LOL.. sigh, at least i think this time, these colors look like they're legible..

840pm: back to the house. dragged the box of paper down the basement. installed the ink cartridges. back to work... thank you natural keyboard. eases some of the pain from all the typing i've been doing all week. @__@. i have a feeling, CTS is gonna be torture this year..

1130pm: figured out how to fix the corrupt word file. convert it to RTF by using save as. i figured, it simplifies the format, right? maybe it'll remove that weird text wrapping. i tried it out. then copy and paste that to a blank word doc. hAZZAH! fixEd! i didn't need to start all over.. thank gooodness.. that was over 6 pages worth of notes.. and i still had a while to go

230am: finally finished.. apparently, i tend to elaborate on a lot of things. 6 pages ended up as 16 pages.. DONE!

uGh.. time to study. read my notes. technically doing those notes 12-20, i've been studying. essentially, i really have to review chapters 4-11 more than anything. right?

i have take the exam sunday morning. so i can read for research.. and do my research hw and quiz by monday.. i have class on tuesday.. @__@ ugh.. this is NuTs..

Disorders of the Immune Response